My sister Virginia and I went to a bar to play trivia. We thought between the two of us we’d be pretty tough competition - what with her being a medical student and me…once being told by my professor to stop quoting Tobey Maguire from the movie Seabiscuit in my papers.
Our team name was “Sister, Sister”. A pretty clever name. Although, I had to argue with Virginia that, under no circumstances, were we going to call ourselves the “Riders of Rohan” or “Samwise the Brave”.
Which then lead to us agreeing that if a Lord of the Rings category came up, we would do pretty well.
There were five rounds. We started off pretty strong. Virginia and I lead the first two which were “Economics” and “Words that start with ‘P’”.
Then the third round came around.
How I Met Your Mother questions.
Neither Virginia or I watch the show, so we struggled.
Losing our lead and now a few beers in, we started panicking.
“BONUS ROUND!”
Hitting me in the arm, “Maria! Bonus round!”
“In the next minute, list the 15 most popular movie moms.”
“What did he say? Booshie moms?”
“No, I think he said foodie moms.”
“Girls! MOVIE MOMS.”
“OH! OH! FATHER OF THE BRIDE!”
“GODFATHER!”
“MRS. DOUBTFIRE!”
Apparently Virginia doesn’t do well under pressure, because she started listing off movies that focused on fathers.
“PASSION OF THE CHRIST!”
“No Virginia! MOVIE MOMS!”
“OH, BAMBIE!”
“THE MOM DIED IN THAT!”
“Maria, you have to think of classics that everyone has seen! OH, MEAN GIRLS! MEAN GIRLS!”
“No, Virginia!”
After the final round, they start announcing the winners. They announce 2nd and 3rd place.
“AIRRRRRRBALLLLLL!”
Virginia starts chanting “airball” to the teams seated a few tables away from us.
While she’s doing that, she completely misses the guy announce the 1st place team - which wasn’t us.
“Wait, Maria. Why didn’t they call our name? Oh, it must be because we are in 1st place.”
“Uh, no. We didn’t place.”
“WHAT?! THE RIDERS OF ROHAN DON’T LOSE!”
I can’t believe I said this on stage.
My mom flew out to come to my show in Milwaukee. She was really excited about it and would not stop telling everyone that came within five feet of her.
“She’s a COMEDIAN.”
After she told all of the hotel receptionists, I pulled her aside.
“Mom, you have to stop telling people that. They are going to think I’m a much bigger deal than I actually am.”
“Okay! Okay! Fine! I’m going to the hotel bar.”
I’m in our hotel room getting ready, when I get a call from one of my college friends.
“Maria? Are you at the Hilton?”
“Yeah?! Why?”
“I’m bartending, and your mom is down here. She says you have a show tonight?”
“OH MY GOD.”
I can hear her chatting away in the background.
She comes back upstairs, “Mom! What did we JUST talk about?”
Smiling and shrugging her shoulders, “I know, I know! I told one more person!”
While on our way to my show, we were waiting for the elevator and my mom and I were staring down at the floor.
“This carpet looks like one of those old screensavers.”
My mom continued to stare at the carpet, and said, “Yeah…and this hotel is really old. So…this carpet is ahead of it’s time, really.”
Then we both stood there in silence until the elevator arrived.
As my mom got into yet another conversation with the other passengers about my upcoming show, I had a realization.
Oh my God, my mom and I are more alike than I thought.
This thought became more true throughout the night when I saw my mom directing my friends to the bathroom by saying, “Just take a left at the guy with the fedora.”
Which slowly dwindled into her saying, “It’s by the fedora.”
During the show, as I’m performing, I can hear my mom in the back saying to everyone seated around her, “It’s true! That actually happened.”
At the end of the show, my mom kept saying, “I think your friends like me more than they like you!”
As I was talking to the booker, I looked over and saw my mom talking to all the other comics that were in the show.
“She’s one of nine kids! She’s a little troubled. A little troubled.”
“MOM!”
“Maria, I told them how you’re one of nine kids. And that you are a little troubled.”
“Yeah! Stop saying that!”
She turns to all of them and whispers, “Do you see what I mean?”
TONIGHT, MAY 3RD. I’m in this show.
Zipcar is the world’s largest car sharing service. You can reserve a car hourly, daily - it’s great. I use it when I have shows outside of Chicago.
Last week, I booked a car to drive to my show in Oswego, IL. I booked the Prius Hybrid ‘Pillbox’ - which is a terrible name for a car. The only time you want to use a pill box is when you are fighting off some chronic illness.
Maybe it has everything you need, like a pill box would? Well, what if you don’t know how to use a pill box? Then you might kill yourself - which was exactly what happened to me.
For those of you who have never been in a Prius Hybrid ‘Pillbox’ before, it looks like a spaceship. I got in the car and was immediately confused. There was no key, just one of those automatic start buttons. I had no idea how to put the car in reverse. There was some weird ‘P’ button that you had to press when you wanted to park the car. It was a fucking mess.
I sat there for twenty minutes trying to figure out how to turn the engine on, until I said, “Fuck it! I have to call Zipcar.”
“Hi, um, I feel really stupid asking this, but, how do I drive this car?”
“Yeah, it’s the Prius ‘Pillbox’ - which is a terrible name for a car.”
“‘P’ button? I don’t know what that is. What does that stand for? Petroleum?”
Looking around and getting increasingly frustrated, I started yelling, “THIS CAR IS A SPACESHIP, MAM!”
After five minutes of the representative explaining to my 23-year-old self how to drive a car, I realized that she seemed a bit hesitant about me driving it at all.
“Oh, don’t worry! I’ll practice going into ‘drive’ and ‘reverse’ in the parking lot before I go on the road.”
Then I realized she was probably picturing me in some parking lot “practicing” how to drive, and that’s not reassuring at all.
The worst part about this whole thing was that the entire time I felt like a huge jerk. Not because I was an idiot customer holding up the line, but because months earlier I had made fun of Zipcar on Twitter.
“I’m a zipcar member now. Let’s zippity do zip zoo this zipcar bitch.”
“Zipcar followed me after I used “zippity do zip zop” as a verb.”
April 26 - ComedyComedy Showcase @ Tap House
Oswego, IL
(NEW) May 2 - Double-Shot Showcase @ 911 Foster
Chicago, IL
May 3 - Milwaukee Stand-up Comedy Showcase @ Karma Bar & Grill
Milwaukee, WI
May 15 - Fear and Self-Loathing Showcase @ Town Hall Lounge
Loves Park, IL
May 22 - Flabby At The Abbey @ Abbey Pub
Chicago, IL
You all probably want a little backstory. Ugh. Fine. I don’t like this, but I’ll do it.
I was dating this guy five or six months ago, and we had a messy breakup. I broke up with him, which resulted in a huge fight via text and phone calls. Blahblahblah. This is stupid. Anyway, in the midst of all this horrible fighting, my roommate Courtney comes home to see me completely disheveled.
“Maria, what’s going on?”
“We broke up, and he is REALLY angry.”
At that moment, we hear a pounding on our front door. I mean like a violent pounding. Then we hear my newly ex-boyfriend yelling my name to come out.
“MARIA! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! GET OUT HERE!”
Standing in the doorway of my room, I grab Courtney by her shirt and drag her into my room and shut the door.
“Holy shit!”
Courtney, who was terribly sick and had just gotten back from the doctor, lies down on my bed.
“Maria, we should call the cops!”
I’m sitting with my back up against my bedroom door and staring at the floor.
My ex is still pounding on our front door and repeatedly ringing our doorbell.
“Maria! This is insane!”
Then I had a realization. Wide-eyed, I look over at half-dead Courtney laying on my bed, and I say, “Courtney, this is the plot to Panic Room.”
“Maria, I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is crazy!”
“I am totally Jodie Foster right now - and you are diabetic Kristen Stewart!”
“MARIA! WE NEED TO CALL THE COPS!”
“Courtney, he’s going to cut the power. …and you’re going to have a seizure.”
Eventually, my ex-boyfriend calmed the fuck down and left.
But it didn’t stop me from clutching Courtney like this:
Total Jodie Foster move.
For my birthday, my friends and I went to Big Joe’s to race turtles. It’s exactly what it sounds like.
In between these high-stress races, a couple of cute guys were playing darts and asked me, “How’s your birthday going?!”
“Not great! I haven’t been called up to be in a race yet!”
“You should tell him it’s your birthday! The host will let you do one!”
Laughing and holding about seven darts in my hand I responded, “Yeah, or I should threaten to bring the darts over and kill the turtles.”
Then, silence.
In stand up, when things don’t go well on stage, I turn halfway around so that my back is almost facing the crowd. I don’t do it on purpose. It’s just my natural reaction. It’s my body’s way of saying, ”Things aren’t going so well, Maria.” “Those people over there do not like you.”
So, I did that.
One of the guys broke the awkward silence and started nudging me while saying, “Oh, haha.”
So I started nudging him back.
But the thing about nudging is, you have to say something while you’re doing it. You can’t just nudge someone while your body is halfway turned around, and you’re looking at the ground while shaking your head in silence.
And, at some point, you have to stop.
My face was red and sweaty - also my body’s natural reaction. But this time saying, “Walk away, just, walk away. No, don’t moonwalk.”
So, I left the situation.
With all of these awkward interactions, I go through the same emotional response. First, I’m ashamed and embarrassed. Then I get really bitter.
Fuck those guys. I can’t believe they didn’t get my joke.
Thank God I wasn’t called up to participate in one of the races after that.
If I had been, you can be damn well sure that when the host asked me for my name, I would have taken the microphone, stared at those guys from across the race board and said, “I’m NOT going to kill these turtles.”
